Take the Time to Do the Prep Work

I am a project person. From brainstorming to execution to reveling in the completed product, I love projects, especially the home-improvement, crafty, organizational ones. I think what I love most, however, is how much I have learned through doing projects. I’m not talking about the technical stuff, either. What I’m talking about is wisdom.

About four months ago, I decided to refinish some old, tired looking patio furniture from IKEA.

Originally purchased eight years ago, the set fit the necessary criteria: it had a TABLE and CHAIRS that we could AFFORD, and it was STURDY (at least sturdier than the plastic stuff). Neither ugly nor attractive (nor comfortable), we never really enjoyed the set. And after we got nicer stuff, it was pushed to the margins of the yard, somewhat functional, but hardly used.

Refinishing the set was going to be a four-step process:

Clean and Sand the Wood
Prime with an oil-based paint
Decoratively paint
Finish with polyurethane

In all honesty, I don’t necessarily enjoy every part of every step in any given project. Specifically, I neither enjoy cleaning years of caked on dirt and spider webs nor do I like sanding. But if there’s one thing you cannot skip it’s the prep-work.

Taking the time to do the prep work always pays off in the long run.

In the case of this project, I begrudgingly admitted to my insistent husband that yes, I wanted to avoid frustration when it came time to paint the chairs, and yes, I wanted my efforts to be long-lasting, so yes, I would take the time to clean and sand the wood. Yes, I would properly prime everything with the smelly, difficult-to-clean oil based paint.

In reality, “taking the time to do the prep work” applies to practically every aspect of our lives. Take the “PIES” model of self-examination: Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, Spiritual.

Physically, when we don’t properly warm up or train, slowly building up to the goal, we are more prone to hurt ourselves.

Intellectually, when we don’t do the necessary reading or studying in preparation for a class or a meeting, the parties involved experience the frustration of wasted time, and the failure to perform can have ever-widening implications on our jobs, our reputation with others, and even in our personal integrity.

Emotionally, taking the time to do the prep work can impact our ability to truly be in the present moment. Sometimes this is about coming to terms with where we are in the process of “change.” Other times, this is about working through “differences.” Acknowledging and attending to emotions helps us to be more present to one another in the situation at hand, rather than being fixated on the past or the future.

Spiritually, taking the time to do the prep work is about cultivating ourselves as people of justice. Spiritual prep work is about developing the moral character to be good people who do the right thing. It’s about becoming a person who means it when they pray, “Thy will be done.” It’s about setting aside the time to be with God in prayer while reflecting on life. It’s about aligning our whole selves with the folks to whom Jesus says, “Come, inherit the kingdom…For I was hungry and you gave me food.” (Matthew 25:34-35).

When we take the time to do the prep work, the finished product doesn’t just look awesome. It is awesome. Through and through.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

In what areas of your life do you take the time to do the prep work? In what areas do you need to be more attentive? How have you noticed the difference prep work makes in your own life?

“Plank preparation with sanding sponge © Depositphotos.com/simazoran”

If you enjoyed this post, Please Share

Read More Julie Dienno-Demarest Aug 30,2011

Love, Love and Relationships

0 6

The Truth About Love

Have you ever had one of those random moments in life—personal or professional—when someone asks you something, and when you open your mouth to respond, you’re amazed by the profound insight that comes out? You know you said it, but the wisdom had to have come from God?

Well, years ago, while teaching in Austin, I took a group of students to work at an orphanage in Mexico. In addition to showering the children with attention and affection, we did a bunch of home-improvement style projects – from cleaning to painting to repairs. The poverty was staggering. While we helped both physically and financially, it was abundantly clear that our charity was not going to bring about a real and lasting change.

That evening, we did the Mission-Trip-Circle-Up conversation to discuss and process our day. One student, Travis, was extremely conflicted: “I feel really good about myself, but I feel guilty for feeling that way. We have so much, and they have so little. It just doesn’t make any sense; I don’t like the fact that I feel so good about myself.”

I suggested to Travis that “feeling good” was not reflecting some kind of “superiority,” but rather he felt good because he was participating in true agapic love. In the Gospel of John, Jesus called us to love one another as he loved us; to participate in agape. This was not a “to-do-list” task, but an invitation. The act of selfless giving in service (and in love) feels great because in it, we experience the divine.

And it doesn’t matter which kind of love we’re talking about: philia (friendship love), eros (passionate love), storge (family affection), or agape (unconditional giving of oneself for the good of another).

What a profound “God-is-love” truth.

The act of selfless giving in love feels great because in it,

we experience the divine.

For some reason, when talking about love, it’s a lot easier to get our heads around what love means when we take romance out of the equation. But this same dynamic of selfless-giving-feeling-great applies to all four loves.

Allow me to explain:

Remember Erich Fromm’s definition of love (from Art of Loving 19)? I concluded my post on dependency (I Need You to Need Me), with this:

Mature Love “is union under the condition of preserving one’s integrity” or individuality.

If we were to diagram that one, it would be two stick figures choosing to come together to hold hands, maintaining their integrity, freely capable of individuality. This “pattern” can and should apply to all four kinds of love.

In all four types of love, one can and should be able to give of oneself without giving up one’s identity.

Going on, Fromm names four basic elements that are common to all types of love: Care, Responsibility, Respect, and Knowledge.

Care – When we care about someone or something, we are concerned for their well-being. When we don’t care, we don’t love.

Care “is the active concern for the life and the growth of that which we love” (Art of Loving 24).

Responsibility – Instead of limiting our understanding to some assigned “duty,” Fromm goes to the root of the word:

“Responsibility, in its true sense, is an entirely voluntary act; it is my response to the needs, expressed or unexpressed, of another human being. To be ‘responsible’ means to be able and ready to ‘respond’” (25).

Respect – Without the element of respect, the element of responsibility “could easily deteriorate into domination and possessiveness” (26).

Respect is the ability to see a person as they are, to be aware of their unique individuality (26).

It’s about respecting the person’s human dignity – in God’s image (not your image). This means allowing the other person to grow and unfold as they are (not as you would have them become…even if you have the best of intentions).

If I love the other person, I feel one with them, but with them as they are, not as I need them to be (26).

Love means letting people be free to be who they are, right now.

Knowledge – As we seek to become closer with people—friends and family as well as our beloved—we come to see how many layers there are to truly knowing someone. Knowledge of a person is key to real, mature love.

We all have had “THAT conversation” with someone, and we recognize it as a turning point in a relationship – be it as friends or lovers.

Fromm points out that “Care, responsibility, respect and knowledge are mutually interdependent.” They are all attitudes found in love, and they are each needed to balance one another.

“To respect a person is not possible without knowing him; care and responsibility would be blind if they were not guided by knowledge. Knowledge would be empty if it were not motivated by concern” (26).

So then love is all these things:

Agape, Eros, Storge, Philia
The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth – M. Scott Peck
Union under the condition of preserving one’s integrity and individuality, practiced with care, responsibility, respect, and knowledge – Erich Fromm

Love is all of this and more.

Painters by Bart Everson licensed under CC BY 2.0

If you enjoyed this post, Please Share

Read More Julie Dienno-Demarest Aug 27,2011

Love, Love and Relationships

0 1

What Do You Mean?

While enjoying a Wine and Chocolates night with my sister, we touched upon the topic of love.

“What do you think love means?” I asked.

Laurie had read my previous post Love, Love, Love, and appreciated the description of the four different kinds of love, but she—like so many of us—still felt at a loss for how do put it into words.

“I don’t know how to define love. I know how I feel, and I know what I do, but I don’t know how to define it.”

The very nature of the word “define” (which means to put limits on something) seems to contradict the infinite possibilities (and mystical nature) of love. With that said, I think it’s important that we pursue a better understanding of what we mean by “love.”

Bestselling author and psychiatrist M. Scott Peck (d. 2005) set out to do just this in The Road Less Traveled (New York: Simon and Schuster, 1978). He dedicates a whole section to love, beginning with “Love Defined.” I appreciate how he starts off by acknowledging the tension between the worthy pursuit of a definition, but the inherent difficulty in doing so.

In a very real sense, we will be attempting to examine the unexaminable and to know the unknowable. Love is too large, too deep to ever be truly understood or measured or limited within the framework of words. I would not write this if I did not believe the attempt to have value, but no matter how valuable, I begin with certain knowledge that the attempt will in some ways be inadequate (81).

In my years of teaching—and moreover—in my years of learning from my own personal successes and failures (lots of failures) “in the field,” so to say, I find Peck’s definition of love to be clear, thorough, and helpful.

Love is the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth (Ibid).

Now that is a sentence packed with meaning. In the pages that follow, Peck offers five concise points about his definition which help better explain his meaning.

Love has a distinct purpose. The goal of love is spiritual growth.

It’s not about forcing (yourself or) someone else to fit into your image of what they should be. But about encouraging them to become their very best selves, in God’s divine image. Notice the word-choice here: nurturing… not implementing, evoking, or creating this change (in oneself or others), but nurturing. That’s significant.

Love is a circular process. The more we practice extending one’s self, the better we become at doing it.

It’s easy to think that the circular process refers to “the more you give, the more you get.” But that’s not what Peck means. Instead, think of it as extending your limits and expanding your ability to love—akin to working a muscle. (And you know what, if it helps, think of the phrase love-muscle…whatever works!) The more you work it, the stronger it gets.

Real love necessitates self-love.

This is a tough one to explain or understand without talking about the distinction between love and dependency (which will be the topic of a post in the very near future). What it really comes down to is that love is about giving of one’s self, and you can’t give what you don’t have.

Real love requires effort.

Anytime you “extend your limits” or “expand your ability” to do something, it requires effort. Many people read this with a tinge of negativity, thinking: “effort”means work, and “work” means drudgery. But a lot of wonderfully fun things that we do require effort. What’s that cliché? Anything worth doing is worth doing well. That, my friends, implies effort.

Love is an act of the will; it is a choice.

Love is a decision; it is a choice you make, particularly when we are talking about nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth. Both the idea that love requires effort and that love is a choice will become much clearer in future posts about the distinction between love and feelings.

While Peck never used the word agape, his definition certainly aligns with that Greek term for love. I hope his definition helps you as much as it has helped me come to a deeper understanding of what love means.

So think about it… Which parts of Peck’s definition resonate with your own experience? What part(s) do you struggle with?

Consider what kind of “spiritual growth” the experience of love has nurtured for you (and that which you have nurtured in others). In doing so, I invite you to understand this phrase, spiritual growth, as Peck intended: as the health and growth of the whole person. Body, mind, and soul. Physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually.

If you enjoyed this post, Please Share

Read More Julie Dienno-Demarest Aug 17,2011

Love, Love and Relationships

0 13

Love, Love, Love

I grew up in a house where we said “I love you” a lot. It was a statement of appreciation (“Thanks, Mom! Love you!”), a farewell (“Love you! Bye”), a part of the bedtime routine from childhood through adulthood, (“Goodnight! I love you!”), as well as an expression of sentiment (“Happy Birthday! I love you!”).

I frequently tell my husband, kids, siblings, parents, and friends “I love you!” And I mean it sincerely.

There is a bright shade of lime-green—also known as Julie-green—which I love. I love red wine and dark chocolate. I love cheese. I love my Vita-Mix, my iPhone, and the way my washer and dryer beep me a song when they’re finished a cycle (instead of buzzing). I love Austin.

I recently had the privilege of helping to create a quilt filled with messages of love and support for a dear friend who (after four years in remission and a full mastectomy) is facing a second bout of breast cancer.

A few days ago, my 3 ½ year old got sick in the middle of the night. He came to my bedside and in the saddest, most heartbreaking voice said, “Mommy, I had an accident and it got all over.” Without hesitation I jumped up and consoled him. Within a split second of surveying the scene, I called my husband in to tend to Max while I cleaned up the mess. The whole thing was quite unpleasant, but handled with tremendous love.

So what is love?

With all the different ways we use the word love, it’s a good idea to take a moment to reflect upon what exactly we mean. I am the first to admit my laziness when it comes to distinguishing between like and love. My love of places and things is really about enjoyment. And when it comes to wine, chocolate, technology, and Austin, that enjoyment is pretty intense.

In English, we have one all-inclusive word for love. In Greek, there are four distinct words. I appreciate the insight that C.S. Lewis gives in The Four Loves as he defines and describes each one and their relation to one another.

Storge – (pronounced with two syllables, and a hard “g” ~ STORE-GAY) A love rooted in a natural fondness or affection. This is often the love we find within families, between parents and children or siblings. The expression “blood is thicker than water” reflects storge love.
Philia – (the root word in Philadelphia; pronounced PHILLY-AH) true friendship love, involving loyalty, equality, respect, and the bonds of shared interests and activities.
Eros – (the root word of erotic ~ ERR-OS) refers to a passionate love. This is certainly the intimate love of romance, but it is not necessarily sexual. Eros refers to the passionate love which touches the depths of one’s soul with excitement, energy, and beauty.
Agape (pronounced both as AH-GAH-PAY and AH-GAH-PEE) is the unconditional giving of oneself—selflessly—for the good of another.

C.S. Lewis wisely points out that as we come to understand the different kinds of love, we shouldn’t feel the need to categorize a relationship or even a given experience as exclusively one of the four kinds of love. There is often quite a bit of overlap.

I find myself quite fortunate to have all four kinds of love for my husband. I have always had a fondness for geeks, so he started off with quite a bit of storge. Our friendship grew as we discovered our mutual appreciation of live music and outdoor fun (in Austin). The mutual respect that followed offered us a great foundation for philia, which we continually cultivate with quality time. Over time, we developed eros, with a passionate and energetic connection that feeds my spirit. And we undoubtedly practice agape with each other, with our children, and with the world around us.

I like that CS Lewis affirms that all love is good; we needn’t rate the four loves as superior and inferior. What we should do, however, is pay attention to the differences. Why? Just as we can get ourselves into trouble when we confuse love with like, things can also go awry when we confuse philia with agape (thinking we have to be friends with everybody).

In faith, we are called to “Love one another as I have loved you” (John 13:34). But Jesus was not calling us to practice eros, storge, or philia. Jesus loves us with agape and calls us to practice agape—unconditional care and concern for the well-being of another—with those we encounter. Agape is the theological virtue of which St. Paul speaks in his First Letter to the Corinthians. Recognizing it as a virtue means that agape is the kind of love we can choose to practice, and become better at practicing.

As you think about who you love, consider also how you love. Which of the four loves do you find abundantly in your life? Which do you find yourself being nudged to cultivate more of and why?

If you enjoyed this post, Please Share

Read More Julie Dienno-Demarest Aug 14,2011

Tag Archives: religious

Take the Time to Do the Prep Work

Taking the time to do the prep work always pays off in the long run.

If you enjoyed this post, Please Share

The Truth About Love

The act of selfless giving in love feels great because in it,

we experience the divine.

Mature Love “is union under the condition of preserving one’s integrity” or individuality.

If you enjoyed this post, Please Share

What Do You Mean?

If you enjoyed this post, Please Share

Love, Love, Love

If you enjoyed this post, Please Share

Never Miss a Post